From an Integral Psychology perspective, cleaning up religious shame involves working on both our interior self and our relationship with the external systems that impose shame on us. Doing the interior work first helps us to shift perspectives and consciously choose how we want to respond and redefine the relationships with those who have hurt us. In my previous article called Set up by Shame, I outlined an ongoing process for working through your internal wounds and shame. This article is focused on dealing with the external systems and individuals we experience as shaming.
As you personally stop and reflect, there may be several people and systems that still trigger you. Perhaps you still feel a shameful response to being in certain kinds of churches, or when certain things are said or done by your father, mother, or significant other. You may find yourself feeling very angry, or sad, or powerless, and unable to find a healthy way to respond. Let’s examine a few common examples that may trigger these feelings.
Parents
People, perhaps like your mother or my mother, at the Blue, conventional, mythic level of religious perspective, may have a primary belief that people are condemned to Hell because of original sin, unless they are born again and become believers. This creates an urgency to convert people, and they certainly want to make sure that all their family and loved ones are saved.
As a child in such a family system, this creates an ongoing sense of pressure to conform and to please one’s mother and maybe others, including those within the church. As an adult, certain comments from her can still trigger these emotional memories and suddenly you feel like you are ten years old again. These memories stir up familiar feelings of shame and anger. A typical default response may be to hold those feelings in, change the subject and move on, but the issues remain unresolved.
You may also have experiences like a client of mine who grew up in a similar church and family environment. For her, the biggest trigger is her father, who was controlling and authoritarian when she was growing up. Her father is still controlling and tends to shut people down, like his wife and daughter, if they try to disagree with him. Things need to be his way, with no room for debate, discussion, or argument. Her default response to shut down and say nothing comes from childhood emotions of fear, hurt, and powerlessness.
These responses reflect your own levels of development within different lines or areas of your life. You may have evolved intellectually up to a Green/pluralistic or Yellow/integral level on the spiral, but those emotional parts of you are still frozen at Blue. Unless you have done the necessary internal work, your default responses come from those emotional parts stuck in fear, hurt, and powerless.
You can, however, learn to recognize you are no longer a powerless child, and you have choices. First, notice and acknowledge to yourself your triggers and reactions. Notice the fear of that ten or twelve year-old self; name it, listen to it, and stay focused on it. Once you can see your reactions for what they are, you can then think more rationally about them. For example, say to yourself something like “I am not a child, and it is ok to disagree with my mother. I can accept her world view while also standing in my own view. This is who my mother is, and I know she is not trying to hurt me. Her fear is real, but I don’t need to resolve it. She gets to think and feel whatever she wants, and so do I”.
Choices
Brene Brown, author of several books on shame notes that we do have choices when it comes to dealing with our shame triggers. We can run away, shut down, get defensive, or stay grounded. When you do your inner work, it helps you to choose how you want to respond to that anxious mother, controlling father, abusive spouse, or whatever person or organization that is upsetting you. Growth comes from engaging with the other while staying grounded and centered within yourself. You are not powerless, and you do have choices. You may, for example:
- Do nothing different and therefore nothing changes.
- Decide to confront. This can be done kindly but must be firm and clear:
- Dad, it is not okay to treat me this way any longer. I am not a child, and I have the right to express my opinions and feelings to you.
- Mom, when I was a child, I felt I had to obey you and believe as you believed. I am not a child now and I have my own opinions and may not always agree with you. I love you but please don’t tell me what I should think, feel, or believe.
- Choose not to confront because you think it may do more harm than good, or that the message will not be heard anyway. In this case, you can work on your internal boundaries and decide to not let it hurt or upset you anymore. Remember, it is not your responsibility to fix anyone else and you can choose your own responses.
- If you are in an abusive relationship, you get to decide if you stay or not. Leaving may be very complicated and difficult, but it is important to take ownership of your choice. Whether you stay or leave, it is critically important to decide from your rational, adult self, not from your wounded, fearful, childhood emotional self. Even if you stay for now, you can still work on your healing and how you show up. You can strengthen your self-respect, dignity and compassion for self and others. With enough support, you can set clear emotional and behavioral boundaries
Therapy Tip
These kinds of changes can be scary because they require vulnerability and openness. Start by acknowledging your fears and naming them to yourself. Reflect on whether they are reasonable at this stage or if they are rooted in childhood. When you are ready, you can take steps to address these shame issues from an adult perspective. You don’t have to do all the steps listed above at once, but it is important for your growth to address them. You may need the support of a sibling, friend, or therapist so that you feel clear and safe. Change is a process, and it may take prayer, reflection, and several conversations with yourself, your support people, and the significant other you are addressing. You will likely need to be patient and persistent in your efforts.