Author and professor of theology and ethics at Fuller Theological Seminary, Lewis B. Smedes, who died in 2002, wrote an interesting book entitled Shame & Grace: Healing the Shame we Don’t Deserve. In this book, Smedes talked about “gracious grace” as well as “graceless grace”. He also differentiated healthy shame from unhealthy and undeserved shame.
Healthy shame is described as that feeling of being ashamed when we do something we know is wrong and we fail to be the self we know we truly are. He describes unhealthy shame as a false shame that has no basis in reality and kills our joy. Unhealthy shame creates a sense of a false self, made up of false ideals imposed on us by secular culture’s expectations, unaccepting and judgmental parents, and maybe graceless religion that says to be acceptable we must live up to expectations of the church.
I and many others can relate to the concept of graceless grace, wherein the church seems to focus on our guilt and unworthiness. The church with this developmental focus teaches that we can get rid of shame through moral accomplishments, following the rules and creeds of the church. This leads to deep fears of not being acceptable to God and fears of abandonment if we don’t get it right. Grace that is ungracious leads to underserved shame.
When grace comes to us graciously, on the other hand, it frees us and helps us heal shame. Gracious grace leads to faith that we are accepted by God without regard to whether we are acceptable or deserving. To deserve something implies that I did something to earn it. But if I am worthy, it is because I am somebody of enormous value, as declared by God. Knowing we are both undeserving and worthy leads to gratitude and awe and opens us to a loving relationship with the Divine.
The Personal Journey
Recently I was meditating and remembering both a sense of shame as a child growing up in a fundamentalist church as well as an unexplainable awareness of the light of goodness and worth in my inner core. I now can see that it is our humanity and the unique, God given flame within that helps us know that we are declared unconditionally worthy to be accepted by the grace of God. Gracious grace gives us permission to forgive ourselves for things we have done and to accept ourselves for who we are. As Professor Smedes noted, when we forgive ourselves, we heal our guilt. When we accept ourselves, we heal our shame.
Thomas Keating, an American Trappist priest and author, who died in 2018, described the presence of the Divine in this way: “Everything in my life is transparent in this Presence. It knows everything about me – all my weaknesses, brokenness, sinfulness – and still loves me infinitely. This Presence is healing, strengthening, refreshing – just by its Presence. It is nonjudgemental, self-giving, seeking no reward, boundless in compassion. It is like coming home to a place I should never have left, to an awareness that was somehow always there but which I did not recognize”.
Parker Palmer in his book; Let Your Life Speak, says “I now know myself to be a person of weakness and strength, liability and giftedness, darkness and light. I now know that to be whole means to reject none of it and embrace all of it.” This is what gracious grace looks like, in my opinion. If we know that God accepts us in whole, with light, darkness, and shadows, this gives us permission to also accept ourselves as whole.
This is a hard concept for most of us to own because we are so conditioned by shame and the ways of the world. But God’s way is often opposite of the world we know. Being whole is not about wealth, fame, power, control, or coercion. Instead, we are invited into relationship. We are invited to follow the teachings of the prophets like Micah and walk in the way of Jesus and offer compassion, justice, and kindness to ourselves and others and to walk humbly with God. This perspective takes practice and grace because it goes against our more natural inclination to prove we are worthy, to work for our acceptability. It challenges us to evolve as human beings, to transcend and surrender the burden of unhealthy shame. So let us be still and be open to God’s gracious grace. Let us also be gracious towards others, especially those we find to be challenging and graceless.
Therapy Tip
To practice and experience gracious grace, make time for regular and consistent quiet time. Use this time to read a little, breathe slowly, reflect, and listen to your heart. Be honest with yourself and forgive yourself for your faults, forgive those who have intentionally or unintentionally hurt you, and consciously release whatever thoughts and feelings weigh you down. Know that you are loved and worthy, even when you feel you don’t deserve it.