This has been a very hard time for many people who are in a process of grieving and feeling an initial shock, disbelief, numbness, anger, and deep sadness over the election of Donald Trump.  Some of my clients have come to their sessions hoping to hear some wisdom about how to make sense of and cope with this election outcome.  The truth is, I don’t have much wisdom to offer in response to those questions, but as usual, wisdom emerges out of the process, which entails vulnerability, deep listening, and honest reflection.  I often learn as much from my clients as they learn from me. 

It has been especially hard for many women to deal with being forced to witness the apparent approval of the misogynistic views and behaviors of Donald Trump. What hurts most, one person noted, was that so many women support these views, along with the realization that our country is still not ready to elect a female president, much less a woman of color.  For others, this feels like an overall rejection of the basic values of decency, respect for people and our planet, and caring for those who are vulnerable and in need of assistance of one kind or another.

This election has triggered some very personal and painful feelings for some people. For example, a couple of female clients who experienced sexual abuse or assaults earlier in life expressed that the election of a man to our highest office who has a long record of assault, abuse, and disrespect of women, as well as felony convictions for falsifying business records to cover up paying off a porn star to hide his infidelity, is a strong slap in the face.  It communicates to them and many other victims that those kinds of behaviors don’t really matter.  What does seem to matter to over half of the country is what they believe this person can do for them personally and their immediate needs. 

So how do we respond to and move beyond this Red, egocentric and Blue, ethnocentric trend we are witnessing?  As a reminder, these are Spiral Dynamic colors, not political colors.  How do we ground ourselves and work to evolve up the spiral, individually and collectively?   As I have been doing some recent reading on adult development and corresponding stages of faith, I reviewed some material from Erik Erikson’s psychosocial development and from Jim Fowler’s stages of faith.  Erikson describes the challenge of the mature adult stage as choosing between Integrity or Despair.  Fowler notes that people at mature faith stages are also much more open to other people’s faith perspectives.

Despair is a common reaction when we experience losses or fear of losses in our life.  As a therapist I observe that our own unresolved issues from our past will often amplify the experience of despair.  While temporary despair is natural at times, we know that in the long run it only makes things worse and will never improve anything. 

Integrity, on the other hand, helps us stay clear, strong, and grounded as we walk through difficult times.  Integrity develops as we take responsibility for our whole selves, not hiding parts of ourselves or harboring resentments.  It requires us to stay open, honest, and emotionally vulnerable to life.  And faith, as Fowler notes, is not about our specific beliefs, but it is a matter of heart, hope, relationship, and our overall orientation to life.  Mature faith works to create justice in the world while allowing us to have peace within, regardless of circumstances.  Mature faith and integrity keep us centered and focused on what we know is true and what gives us hope for today and the future.

Another client who has been working hard on his emotional healing and spiritual growth for several years shared some of his observations.  He is learning to look for light in times of darkness, opportunities when things are hard, and hope when things seem hopeless.  To do that, he noted, I need to make space for God’s grace.  Grace involves showing as well as receiving compassion, kindness, understanding, and forgiveness, even when it is not deserved.  We do that in our day-to-day conversations, and interactions with family, friends, neighbors, and strangers, whether we agree with their politics or not. We do that by looking at our own mistakes and shortcomings and doing a better job of listening and learning from one another.   It may also mean setting boundaries with kindness, taking a stand for peaceful resistance, and showing up to work on changing our broken systems.  This is not easy and requires humility, maturity, integrity, and a conscious decision to rise above bitterness and despair.  We need to make space for grace indeed.

Therapy tip

Be present and patient with yourself as you feel and process whatever you are feeling.   Whenever you are triggered, you have an opportunity to look within and reflect on the emotional memories that are being stirred up.  Think about how you would try to help someone you love deal with this pain and then give this same grace to those hurting parts of yourself.  Remember, you do matter and are worthy, regardless of what others may think or do.

This situation may be especially confusing because the losses are uncertain and open-ended as we look ahead. Therapist and author Pauline Boss calls this “ambiguous loss”.  The goal when dealing with ambiguous loss is to find our resilience.  We can be more resilient by taking good care of ourselves, getting support and help as needed, and taking actions to make a positive difference in the world around us. We may not be able to change or control the circumstances of life, but we can practice love and grace for ourselves and others.