One of my clients conveyed a story of how she thinks her mother’s response to anger set her up to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship. I’ll call her Joan, which is not her real name. When Joan was 17 years old, she was dating a popular high school boy who had his own issues with anger and shame. One summer day she and her boyfriend drove into the city to meet her parents downtown to attend one of the festivals. They had planned to meet at a certain time at a certain location, but going into the city he missed the turn off and got temporarily lost and caught up in heavy traffic. As a result, they were about a half an hour late to meet her parents. She expressed frustration, and that was too upsetting and embarrassing for the boyfriend, and from the moment she said something he was very angry, yelling and saying mean and irrational things about it being all her fault and how she made him miss the turn just to make him look bad.
By the time they met up with her parents, Joan was so hurt, angry, and upset that she didn’t even want to stand near him and was visibly steaming inside. Her mother noticed and asked her what was wrong, so she told her mother how mad she was at her boyfriend. Rather than trying to understand what had happened, her mother scolded her and said she couldn’t believe she was talking about her boyfriend that way or that she was so angry. There was no reflection on why she reacted so strongly to him, and no follow-up conversation to help her think about whether she really wanted to be in a relationship with someone who treated her that way. The message she heard was that her feelings were not legitimate, and she should be a good girl and tolerate that kind of abuse. The message was received, and she did indeed end up in the kind of marriage later in her life where she tolerated periods of similar, unreasonable emotional assaults.
Understanding her shame
To understand how she got into such a relationship, Joan needed to understand her childhood history better. She grew up in a family that was deeply involved in a conservative, evangelical Christian church community, at the Blue, ethnocentric level of development. Her father was an elder and her mother taught Sunday School. This was the kind of church in which only men were allowed to be pastors, elders, and church leaders. Women were in subordinate and supportive roles. Children, girls in particular, were to be seen and not heard, especially when they were upset or angry. To be a good Christian girl meant to be well-behaved, quiet, and sweet, and to keep her feelings to herself.
Ironically, in the home her mother was often quite angry and would yell and scold and shame the children whenever they misbehaved, and even when they got hurt. Joan came to believe that it was her job to keep mom happy and she tried hard to appease her and avoid upsetting her. She learned to anticipate mom’s needs and became her little helper around the house. Her father did not yell and show anger much, but he was busy working, raising a family, and was emotionally distant. He also fully embraced the belief that men are superior and supposed to be in charge. In therapy, Joan came to understand that this church culture and family dynamics shaped her self-image, predisposed her to feel inadequate, and set her up to choose a controlling, unhealthy, and emotionally abusive partner.
Cleaning up Shame
Many of us, like Joan, have dark things in our lives to work through. A big part of that is looking at ourselves and our lives from a new perspective and finding compassion for those wounded parts of ourselves. When you find yourself being triggered and reacting strongly in response to your significant other or any other important person in your life, the following steps are often very helpful:
- Stop and breathe slowly and deeply for a minute or two.
- Remove yourself from the situation to give yourself some time and space.
- Notice, acknowledge and describe to yourself what you are feeling and thinking.
- Give yourself permission to really feel what you feel. These are your feelings, and they are perfectly valid and normal.
- Have a conscious conversation with the internal parts of you that are hurt, sad, and angry. Listen to your own thoughts and feelings and ask yourself questions, like what is the truth, to help you understand what is going on inside.
- Be present to yourself and allow yourself to have compassion for and acceptance of who you are and what you feel, just as you likely would if you were listening to a good friend.
- Forgive and release. Choose to forgive yourself first rather than the usual judgement you feel. Then, when you are ready, choose to forgive those who have hurt and shamed you in the past. The purpose of forgiving is not to justify or excuse the abusive behaviors of others, but to allow yourself to release the shame and pain so you no longer carry it around inside.
From a spiritual perspective, you are not alone as you work through the wounds of shame. Jesus demonstrated that anger can be a normal, healthy, human reaction to injustice. He also showed us that God’s love is inclusive of all of us. In his book, Loveable, Kelly Flanagan describes how to tune in and listen to the voice of grace within. The voice of grace tries to help us see the whole truth about ourselves. Yes, you are a mess in ways, and you are also lovely. Yes, you are broken in ways, and you are also beautiful. Yes, you have darkness within, also a wonderful light. He states that grace is the love that sees it all and joyfully holds the ugly and the beautiful together in a tender embrace. May we learn to treat ourselves with such grace.
Therapy Tip
All of this is a process and there are likely layers to your buried shame. This is a journey of cleaning up and healing, and you need to repeat this process as many times as it takes to heal. What you will find over time is that you can see things more clearly for what they are, you are able to react appropriately (rather than overreacting or shutting down), and you get better at taking care of yourself. This frees you to show up in more healthy and constructive ways and make conscious decisions about how you live your life.