I recently finished reading a fascinating book, When Shadow Meets the Bodhisattva: The Challenging Transformation of a Modern Guru, by Andrew Cohen. Andrew was a well-known spiritual leader and self-described guru in the Buddhist tradition who died earlier this spring. Since then, many who knew and followed him have been talking and writing about his life and legacy. Andrew built and led an organization called EnlightenNext from 1988 until it collapsed in 2013. By the early 2000s, his organization had become international, with major centers in seven countries, and a large ashram in Massachusetts. In this remarkable autobiography, Andrew describes his own spiritual and psychological journey, including the rapid rise to success and the dramatic failure of his organization.
After the collapse of his community, Andrew engaged in various forms of therapy and soul searching. One thing he wrote about was his reflections on his troubled childhood. He stated that his parents didn’t love each other, his mother was emotionally absent, and his father died from a brain tumor when Andrew was fifteen. He stated that his older brother beat him up violently as a child, and would scream at him repeatedly, calling him stupid, and an idiot. He perceived that his parents hardly interfered with his brother’s aggressive behavior, and there was nothing he could do to stop the humiliation.
Andrew also had some learning disabilities and anxiety and consequently struggled in school. As a teen, he developed a subpersonality as “the one with a problem”. His struggles in school seemed to prove his unworthiness. This became a core conviction, which led to feelings of shame and helplessness.
Andrew also wrote about his experiences of spiritual awakening and development. He states he first had an intense spiritual experience at the age of sixteen that he described as a feeling of all consuming, absolute love. He understood suddenly that there is only one reality, and it is limitless, timeless, formless, beginningless, and endless conscious being. This set him on a remarkable course of spiritual enlightenment and leadership.
He describes many more such experiences and his rapid rise to the status of guru. Despite being aware of various scandals, such as spiritual teachers sleeping with their students, he states he came to believe that he possessed a level of purity and moral development that made him special and above all of that. He thought he was completely free of shadow, which is unresolved wounds and trauma that get pushed aside, and notes that the rapid success he achieved began to inflate his ego and bolster arrogance and pride.
Andrew later came to understand that because of his unresolved childhood issues of unworthiness, he felt he needed to overcompensate, to be the best. This, he noted, led to an unwholesome measure of narcissism. He became aware that although he grew up in our postmodern culture, and he studied and understood integral philosophy, he ran his organization from a shame-based Blue or Amber/Mythic level of development. He was accused by some of his students and his community of being controlling and abusive, and the leader of a cult, which, at least in part, led to the downfall of the work and mission he had dedicated his life to.
Spiritual Bypassing
This story is a classic example of spiritual bypassing and the potential pain and consequences that may follow. According to Wikipedia, American psychologist John Welwood coined this term in 1984 after noting that some people, by resorting to spirituality to avoid difficult or painful emotions or challenges, tended to suppress aspects of their identity and needs and stall their emotional development. In 2010, Robert Augustus Masters published an excellent book, Spiritual Bypassing: When Spirituality Disconnects Us from What Really Matters. He notes that Spiritual bypassing—the use of spiritual beliefs to avoid dealing with painful feelings, unresolved wounds, and developmental needs—is so pervasive that it goes largely unnoticed.
Spiritual bypassing is one reaction to shame, and it feels familiar to those of us who have experienced it in various ways. Shame is the fear that we really are wretched and unworthy, and it compels us to hide, condemn, or deny the pain we feel. We look for evidence that confirms our core beliefs and feelings about ourselves, which many people find in distorted religious beliefs. You may have heard, for example, when you have struggled with depression, anger, addiction or some other painful issue, that you simply need to pray about it, think positive thoughts, and just believe. Or perhaps it is implied that if you are having trouble in life, it is because you haven’t observed certain religious rituals and requirements, or you don’t have enough faith. But grace offers something much deeper.
The grace of God is not conditional, and grace offers wholeness. Wholeness includes the parts of us that are in pain, are angry, are out of balance, are broken. Healing never happens by splitting off those parts, hiding, avoiding, or bypassing. As we learn to be present with compassion to ourselves, we discover grace. The grace of God is already there in silence, waiting for us to show up.
Our experiences of faith or spiritual awakening can be profoundly meaningful and healthy and may change our lives in amazing ways, as they did for Andrew Cohen. However, that is not a substitute for doing our shadow work, the process of working through our emotional and psychological wounds. And, as we grow and mature in our world view, we can take healthier perspectives of grace for ourselves and those around us. Andrew showed great courage in sharing his pain, humiliation, and failures, and how he took ownership of it all and did the necessary work of emotional healing. May we learn from his story, and may he rest in peace.
Therapy Tip
Spiritual bypassing is a means of trying to cope with dark and distressing feelings. We may use other ways of bypassing, such as abusing substances, sexuality, overeating, getting lost in work, or any other obsessive behavior. The path of healing is the opposite of bypassing. We must be willing to stop, be quiet, breathe, and look at ourselves honestly. We learn to be present within by letting ourselves feel what we have been trying not to feel, to remember our pain and not shut down or run from it. We learn to turn towards our pain with understanding, gentleness, and compassion, and offer loving comfort to those hurting parts, in the same way you would show up for your own child or someone you deeply care about. If you are a spiritual person, it can be of great comfort knowing God is right here with you in your pain. Many also find the guidance of a skilled therapist to be very beneficial.