I have been struggling to find words to express the dark thoughts and feelings many of us who are Christians are confronting these days.  A recent article in the Sunday edition of The Minnesota Star Tribune about Vance Boelter and his religious beliefs and practices echoed many of the themes from my last blog posting and newsletter.  It sparked emotional memories of the extreme messages of shame I heard in church growing up, such as, God is perfect and therefore intolerant of any sin or shortcomings, and we all are unworthy, and we deserve eternal punishment in hell.  God is a God of retribution, and He is coming back to impose terrifying punishment on those not on God’s good side, as stated in the newspaper article.  The only way to avoid such an awful fate is to accept Jesus as one’s personal savior, because Jesus was also perfect and paid the price to appease God’s wrath.  These messages to children are potentially terrifying and lead to thoughts later in life such as “if I really believe this is true, I need to preach it to all those I know, in order to help save them.”  For those who may be mentally unstable and prone to extremes, like Boelter appears to be, it may contribute to radical or violent behaviors as well. 

What do we do with this dark side of religion and the way it is being used and abused to justify and amplify a number of social crises we are facing?  Some I know have rejected all religion and belief in God.  Most people outgrow the black and white understanding of religious messages but, as we can see in so many ways today, some do not and turn their beliefs, wounds and fears into extreme religious and political agendas.  We can and we must do better and not lose hope and faith. 

The path towards being healthier human beings and developing a wholehearted faith involves a willingness to grow and evolve our perspectives and to work through the shame issues that may still be hidden in what, in psychology, is called our shadow self.  Shame thrives in secrecy and neglect, so one thing we can do is share our hurts, fears, and doubts with each other and listen to each other without judgement.  We can also learn to be present to ourselves in new ways, to let ourselves feel our feelings and engage our fears, understand that these are our wounds, and respond with love, compassion, and forgiveness for ourselves.  This allows us to feel our worthiness and to be more vulnerable and open with ourselves and one another.  

Part of the healing journey includes getting to the point where we are also willing and able to offer this same understanding, compassion, and forgiveness to those who hurt us and participated in our shaming and indoctrination. We can then begin to release our shame, anger, bitterness, and fear of being broken. In the words of Brene Brown: “The core of wholeheartedness: We are worthy now.  Not if.  Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now.  As is.”  “The wholehearted journey is the path of consciousness and choice, the willingness to tell our stories, feel the pain of others, and stay genuinely connected”. 

We will not be able to embrace our core worthiness if we don’t evolve in our beliefs and religious perceptions.  As noted in previous articles, Integral philosophy provides a framework for understanding this journey and growing forward.  It helps us see that there are important and healthy values at each level of development, along with potential shadow issues.  The goal is not to evolve and reject everything we have believed, but to transcend, develop a higher perspective, and include and respect the core values and virtues of each level of development.  This journey beyond rigid, judgmental, black and white thinking allows us to believe that our worthiness is not something we have earned or even deserve, but is simple given, like a parent of a newborn child knows their precious baby is completely beautiful and worthy of unconditional love. 

Pastor Russell Rathbun, in his book nuChristian: Finding Faith in a New Generation, describes the Bible not as a book of answers or a book of checklists, but a book about our relationship with God.  This has been a relationship that has evolved over time, as our understanding, perspectives, and modern-day information have changed and led to transformations in humanity.  Pastor Russell notes that you don’t need a relationship when you have a checklist of answers and you don’t need God when you have such a checklist.  “What if, instead of a checklist, I had an ancient text that was written over a five-thousand-year-period of time? A Holy book that was written in three or four different cultural contexts, in three or four different languages?  A Holy Book born out of people of faith passing down stories from mothers and fathers to sons and daughters, carried from Egypt and carried from Babylon?  Stories and sayings of Jesus told and retold for forty years before someone wrote them down?  And then, with all these stories written down, what if two thousand years of people of faith trying to interpret and understand and live out what they had found in this Holy Book?” 

Pastor Russell also addresses the shame-based burden of trying to save people from hell and notes “we are not called to save people; we are called to love people.  You don’t love people by trying to sell them something or convince them of something.  Jesus loved people by being in relationship with them, knowing them, engaging them, healing them.  Love does not have an ulterior motive.”  It is easy to judge and criticize those with different beliefs, philosophies and agendas.  We need to be able to disagree and debate without shaming, attacking, and condemning one another.  To do this, we need to be willing to look in the mirror and deal with our own shame issues and our need to grow and develop.  This then allows us to follow Christ’s example of love, acceptance, and care for all our neighbors. 

Therapy Tip

When you are ready and willing to do the work described above, please be patient with yourself.  We can only evolve one step at a time.  Forgiveness, growth, and healing are not events but a process, and we usually have many layers of pain to work through.  Start by being quiet, listening to your inner self, and allowing yourself to be impacted by what touches you.  We have opportunities to heal and grow every time we get triggered and upset and choose to tune in and practice grace for ourselves and others.