Traditional Christianity, at least since the 3rd century when the Roman empire took it over, has been a story of shame. The first emphasis is on our shame, including original sin and our ongoing failures. The story continues with the need for Jesus to be subjected to the shame of the cross, teaching that God loves us but can’t accept us as we are. We are taught that we deserved to be tortured and die but Jesus took our place. Accepting this story and this sacrifice is what saves us from eternal damnation to Hell.
This story from the church creates a foundation of fear and amplifies the shame we likely already feel, depending on our experiences in life and the ideas we are exposed to. It is a story of love that depends on meeting certain conditions. But what if, instead, we begin to understand the Christian story as one of a loving relationship with God the creator and our journey into a healthy, wholehearted relationship with ourselves and with the divine one? What if the story of Jesus reveals that God’s love is unconditional, a love without limits that Jesus was willing to die for, challenging the egocentric power dynamics of the church and government at that time? What if, instead of the shame of original sin we come to see that we are merely human, flawed and vulnerable, yes, but not inherently evil and sinful, and with great potential for both good and bad? Can we focus on experiencing the joy of a relationship with our creator, founded in love and one in which we can grow and mature over time?
John Phillip Newell, author of Sacred Earth Sacred Soul, talks about theological concepts taught by some in the early Christian church, especially from the Celtic tradition, that were systematically repressed by what he calls imperial Christianity in Rome. Some of these monks and theologians taught that divine grace was given, not to save us from our nature, as promoted by St. Augustine and the imperial church, but to reconnect us to our nature which was sacred and made of God. Christ, it was taught, came to show us what we have forgotten and reawaken us to our true nature and the true nature of the earth, that we and all things are in essence sacred.
John Shelby Spong, in A New Christianity for a New World, talks about the need to grow up in our faith, assuming responsibility for our lives and learning to be fully alive. He notes that our traditional theistic frameworks encourage us to think of ourselves as shameful, unworthy, childlike and dependent. We want to be taken care of, protected, told what to do or not to do. In our modern and post-modern world, he calls us to grow beyond our child-like dependencies and into maturity. Likewise, the apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:11 states: when I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I set aside childish ways. This also seems like a call for taking adult responsibility for our lives, our beliefs, and faith practices.
In some mysterious way, God was present and made manifest in the person of Jesus the Christ. Jesus was the person, living at a specific point in human history, in whom God chose to show up, confront humanity with new realities, and redefine how we know and experience God. Jesus revealed God in new and transformational ways. He showed God as love and all of God’s creatures as worthy of love. Rather than the traditional perspectives of privilege and institutional power, controlling access to God, Jesus said all of us have direct access to the divine and are equally worthy. Rather than in need of atonement through blood, Jesus declared God loves us as we are and wants to make us whole. John Shelby Spong notes that this was radical, so radical that he was put to death by those whose power and positions were threatened by this message and experience of God.
Jesus revealed what it looks like to live in this new reality. He experienced a deep and personal intimacy with God and had practices designed to deepen that intimacy, such as long sessions alone in prayer and meditation. He also taught the importance of community to strengthen relationships with God and one another. He taught us the foundational value of loving God with our whole mind, body, spirit, and to love our neighbors as well as ourselves.
In my work as a therapist and coach, I have found that our deepest needs as human beings consistently lead back to three root questions:
- Am I really loved?
- Am I worthy?
- What is the purpose and meaning of my life?
Finding answers to these questions is not an intellectual pursuit. The answers must be experienced at the core of our being, at the place where our intellectual, emotional, and spiritual selves are one. This is the place where we experience and know our highest, or deepest, or most essential self. It is where God meets us and reveals divine love to us.
Many of us struggle with the awareness, acceptance, and reality of unconditional love. We tend to get socialized to please others and believe love is conditional. For example, we learn that to make my parents happy I must (fill in the blank) _____. They only really love me when _____. As I grow older, I worry that my friends only care about me when____. My husband or my wife only really loves me when ____. My children and grandchildren only really love me when ____. On and on it goes. We also apply this to God. In our experiences, we never really feel that we are enough and think we must earn love. It is hard to understand we are just human, here for a journey, short or long, and here to learn about love.
Our traditional understanding of God as masculine also contributes to this struggle in ways that remain unconscious for many of us. For women, this may reinforce the message that they, being female, are inherently inferior. For men, this deprives them of experiencing the fullness of God. John Phillip Newell teaches that Celtic wisdom remembers the sacredness of the feminine. He writes that deep within us and deep within the matter of the universe is a conjoining of masculine and feminine energy. Both are of God and both are essential to us. At the heart of the marriage of heaven and earth is a dance. When the sacred feminine and masculine move as one within us and exude love, we are made well.
There are many implications for understanding and practicing faith in these words and concepts. We may each have different takeaways. I encourage you to let the idea of unconditional love sink in and heal you. Experience no longer being afraid, no longer needing to earn salvation through the correct beliefs and behaviors. Feel yourself able to work on your maturity, to emulate Jesus, not in dependency but in freedom. Embrace the masculine and feminine in all things, including the divine. These insights give new meaning to being saved by grace. As Jesus reveals to us our true nature and the unconditional love of God, we are freed from the burden of shame; free to heal, free to grow up and mature, free to experience true intimacy with the divine.
Growth and healing happen through shifts in our understanding and perspectives, our habits, experiences, and our practices. When we are intentional and consistent in practices that deepen our relationship with ourselves, our loved ones, and with God we experience the deep rewards of these disciplines. Not in the pursuit of worthiness but in being who we are and the journey of becoming all we are in our growing potential.
In No Time Like the Present: Finding Freedom, Love, and Joy Right Where You Are, author Jack Kornfield points out that sometimes when we work with our feelings of pain and shame the energy starts to change and become more universal. “You may notice that as you allow these energies to open, you become less reactive”. Let your feelings come and go. “They are the energy of life, come to teach you. They arise from how much you have been hurt or afraid, are vulnerable, and how much you care, and they can lead you to a more universal, deep tender concern and compassion”.
Below are a couple of personal examples of practices that have been important in my journey. As you reflect, you may see other ways in which you can work through shame and grow in your personal faith.
Practicing Loving Presence
Opening to the divine feminine is profound and healing for me. Sitting still in the presence of God as a loving and nurturing mother touches me deeply, as I envision and feel the little boy in me being held and rocked in her arms. It is loving, gentle, nurturing and healing. It fills in the void that I experienced with my own mother, who seemed unable to provide that kind of comfort when I was hurt, or sad, or wounded. I feel the healing deep in my soul. I need this as much as the divine masculine I have grown to know.
In relation to the divine masculine, I envision myself as an adolescent, needing and craving validation from my father. I hear my divine father telling me I am capable, kind, compassionate and desirable. Given this, I am assured that I will succeed in life with a worthwhile vocation, a loving partner, and wonderful children and grandchildren. I do not need to stress myself or settle for less. I am encouraged to work hard, be disciplined, be generous, enjoy prosperity and to live in a state of gratitude and joy.
Therapy Tip
Learning to see yourself as worthy through the eyes of love is an important spiritual gift you give to yourself which then flows to others. Learning to have compassion for your humanness, with all your beauty and your flaws is a blessed, tender practice. May you be nurtured and strengthened on your own personal path as you continue to grow forward in your life.