A recent article in the Minnesota Star Tribune described unchecked sexual abuse that has happened within a particular protestant denomination, in different states across the country, that has spanned generations. Sexual abuse is always tragic, but the way it was sanctioned and silenced within the church is especially disturbing. This is an exclusive denomination with a strict doctrine that emphasizes asking for forgiveness for sins, that those sins are then washed away and are not to be spoken about again. According to this article, sexual abuse survivors have noted that this has created a culture where allegations of abuse are resolved outside of the criminal justice system and the victims must bear their pain alone or risk going to hell. In some families, sexual abuse stretches across generations and may include a parent, child, and grandchild.
This may be an extreme example but, unfortunately, we have all heard of cases of abuse across the spectrum of religious institutions. Most cases of abuse are dripping with shame, secrecy, and deep psychological disturbances. At least in some cases, patterns of abuse may be abetted directly or indirectly by distorted religious beliefs and practices. When, for example, a deeply emotionally disturbed person commits the crime of sexual abuse of a child and it is framed only as sin and spiritual brokenness, then the religious systems may steer abusers and victims to religious responses instead of legal and therapeutic responses. This type of response certainly fails the victims, and it also fails the abusers who need to be held legally accountable, in addition to receiving appropriate treatment. Spiritual counseling, confession, and seeking forgiveness are appropriate and may be a part of the healing process, but churches must not bypass the legal and therapeutic aspects of justice and recovery.
It is easy and to a degree appropriate to judge sex offenders and church cultures that seem to look the other way and fail to protect the innocent victims. These issues are complicated, however, and to change patterns it is necessary to dig deeper, to seek to understand the dynamics and what helps. As noted in the Star Tribune article, offenders have often been victims of abuse themselves at some point. Any kind of abuse and neglect impacts a person’s sense of self, especially children, who cannot yet make sense of what happened and tend to blame themselves. There are generally feelings of deep shame, and they may see themselves as tainted, dirty, and worthless.
Without proper counseling, education, and parental love and support, shame tends to distort what is seen as appropriate and acceptable as well as why abuse happened to them. This often leads to desperation and self-destructive, inappropriate, or abusive behaviors. Victims who become abusers display pathological attempts to feel love, connection, power, control, and significance. These are deep psychological and emotional problems and if the church teaches that the only way to heal or be redeemed is through confession, prayer, and forgiveness then appropriate accountability and treatment can be neglected. This overlooks the underlying needs of the abusers, and even worse the needs of victims.
Church Culture
The environments we grow up in and live in have a strong influence on us. Within many Christian churches and families, for example, the teaching of original sin, or what I call original shame, is very common. Former pastor and current author, Jim Palmer, has said that original sin may be one of the most psychologically damaging ideas ever created. Under this doctrine, a child enters the world and is told something is fundamentally wrong with him or her. Shame, then, becomes embedded at the level of identity itself. However, Jim points out, we are not born evil. Nor are we born perfect. We are born human, which means we carry both constructive and destructive capacities within. We all have the ability for love, creativity, and compassion, as well as capacity for fear, violence, self-deception, and harm. Jim agrees that much of what religion calls sin is often the expression of unresolved suffering, conditioning, trauma, fear, insecurity, and lack of self-awareness.
Another related example that shapes culture and self-image is the belief that God is distant from us and demands perfection to access heaven and avoid hell. The traditional doctrine that only Jesus was perfect and God required Jesus to die a terrible death in our place so we can be saved, is inconsistent with the truth of unconditional love. This suggests that violence and punishment are necessary for us to be forgiven. Rather than feeling loved as we are – human, we may feel loved only when we comply with certain beliefs and behaviors. This can feed our shame and encourage silent suffering on the one hand, and contribute to a lack of accountability, avoiding personal responsibility and doing the work necessary for becoming whole on the other hand.
Wholeness and Recovery
What if we were never apart from God in the first place? Jesus spoke of God as the source of life, the reality in which we live and move and have our being. Jesus experienced God as intimate, immediate, and already present. Not a relationship or love to be earned, achieved, or purchased, but to be treasured and embraced. Contemplative Christian writers like Richard Rohr see the crucifixion not as transactional but transformational, revealing God’s total love for us by choosing to be present in the worst of human suffering. “If forgiveness needs to be bought or paid for, then it is not authentic forgiveness at all. Love and forgiveness must be freely given, or they do not accomplish their deeply transformative healing”. If God is already present and loves us, our response then is not to hate or reject ourselves, whether we are a victim or an abuser, but to become conscious and work on our healing and growth, as well as accepting legal and personal accountability. The job of those within our churches and families is to support spiritual, emotional, and relational healing, make referrals to appropriate professionals, and to report to legal authorities when a crime has been committed.
Be mindful of culture:
- Whatever your beliefs, doctrine, and standards, it is important to stop and reflect on what you are teaching and how it may be internalized, especially by the young and innocent.
- Traditional theology does not need to be shame based. Some church organizations do a good job of emphasizing the love of God more than condemnation based on a sinful nature.
- Being human is good. It is important to explicitly embrace and encourage the potential of our humanity and of each individual person.
- Becoming whole involves inner work, learning to understand, accept and love oneself, as well as others. This is a process of growth and cannot be bypassed by religious beliefs and practices.
- Be careful about judging and excluding those with different beliefs and cultures, as this only sets up and reinforces shame-based attitudes.
Truth for abusers:
- If you have committed a crime, step up and own it and turn yourself in.
- Do the work of recovery. Seek appropriate therapy, as well as spiritual counsel.
- Apologize to the victim if given the chance. This needs to be a supervised process and done only when the victim gives you permission.
- Sometimes sending a sincere apology in writing, such as in a letter, may be the only option available. If you choose this option, send it and then let it be.
- You are still loved and worthy of grace and forgiveness. God’s love is unconditional. You can be forgiven, healed, and transformed.
- Work on also forgiving yourself.
- However, you cannot heal until you step up, tell the truth, accept accountability and consequences.
Truth for victims:
- Remember you are loved and lovable. You are not stained, dirty, or unworthy, just wounded and victimized
- Seek out therapeutic healing and transformation where you feel safe enough to admit the truth, with no fear of judgement.
- Healing is a process that happens over time. Be patient and kind to yourself.
- First, you must connect intellectually with the reality of abuse and be able to talk about and describe what happened.
- Allow yourself to feel the depth of feelings, which will likely include pain, shame, embarrassment, dirtiness, and rage. Feelings are not the same as facts or truth, but they are your inner reality.
- Find compassion for yourself. Hold, comfort, and love yourself in the presence of a loving person.
- Redefine who you are and learn to see yourself not as a victim but an overcomer.
- Over time, shame can be transformed into strength. Hold your head high and be proud of who you are.
- Speak the truth about the abuser and do not protect them, even if it is someone you love. Hold them accountable so you and the abuser can heal.
- Over time, work on forgiveness and releasing resentment and bitterness. See if you can find compassion for your abuser who is a broken human being too. Forgiveness doesn’t justify abuse, but it helps you see the abuse for what it is and to set yourself free.
Sexual abuse is a terrible crime, especially when it involves children and especially in the context of church or religion, as we all can agree. We all can play a role in prevention, accountability, recovery, healing, and becoming whole, when done in a spirit of love.
Therapy Tip
As you walk forward you may enjoy some of the affirmations shared by Charlie J. Williams in his book, The Stillness: Finding Peace in the Pause. Here are a few excerpts for you:
You were born deserving. You don’t have to prove your right to exist. You don’t have to earn your place in this world.
Stillness shows you what worth really is – something that doesn’t depend on performance.
Becoming isn’t about striving. It’s not about fixing or proving or earning. It’s about allowing.
Allowing yourself to soften. To unlearn. To open.
Stillness isn’t standing still – it’s a different kind of movement. One that trusts what’s happening below the surface.
You deserve to be here. And I’m so glad you are.
Amen